Female Bullies - A Workplace Conundrum
Volume 6: Female Bullies - A Workplace Conundrum
This is Emotional Adventures in the Office, where we are committed to addressing real struggles that people face at work. Our approach will vary. Sometimes we will ask questions, other times we will make bold statements. We're always looking for new topics to delve into, so if you have any suggestions, please let us know.
Every day there is a new post about the impact of change and how we need to change systems that hold people back. We hear about toxic leaders who play by old school rules, saying one thing and doing something horrifically different in real life.
Today's post is a nod to Stacey Vanek Smith, Author of Machiavelli for Women: Defend Your Worth, Grow Your Ambition and Win the Workplace. She talks about the different female archetypes of toxic leadership in chapter eight. You may find yourself putting faces to put to these names, and it is my sincere hope that in time, these will fade away and bullying will no longer be a workplace norm. Today we focus on three of her highlighted types.
The Highlander: Women who under the guise of inclusivity ensure that "there can only be one" and it's them. Their rise to power comes at the expense of others targeting those who stand in their way but rarely challenging the patriarchal structure.
Identifiers: Mean girl disguised as the funny sassy coworker who thrives on putting people down to feel powerful. This is the person who only mingles with someone with a title and when they are done using you for their gain, you will be tossed aside.
Defense: Strong allies that speak up for you and come to your defense, supporting your ideas. If the bully doesn't have people supporting her, she will back down. She feeds off validation and energy provided by a crowd. If you get her into a one-on-one interaction, you will have more success. Keep every issue pointed to you when you are confronting her- this way she will not lash out at you. If she's your boss tell her how you value, her as a female leader in the workplace and you want and value her feedback. Be calm and confident, take notes, listen, and say thank you. Do not act afraid or intimidated or she can smell it a mile away and you're done for.
Queen of Hearts (QOH): Charismatic and inspirational yet erratic leader who wields power through insecurity and chaos. This bully is initially charming and seems capable, but their interior world is marked by insecurity and toxicity. Their success often comes at the expense of others, and they use their charisma to ascend before their true nature reveals its tornado of destruction. They have no filter when it comes to attacking people or respecting boundaries and are egotistical and self-centered. They thrive on attention and act erratically when challenged. They are conscious of their title and will quickly abuse people below them or leave people humiliated and confused. When they go, they often leave "carnage" in their wake. Vanek says: "they turn from mirthful to murderous at the flip of a card."
Identifiers: Rapid career advancements, focus on personal glory over teamwork and a pattern of making people feel less than. They hop jobs every few years to escape the consequences of their bad behavior. Everything this person does is to make themselves shine. Do not look to them to support any work or actually do anything unless you are a higher title, in which case it will likely be delegated to a minion. These are liars and credit stealers who are vain and love flattery. They love validation in real life and online. Vanek says if you feel marginalized after leaving a conversation you are likely dealing with a QOH!
Defense: Be careful because the QOH loves people pleasers. Vanek tells us to imagine they are a child that we are babysitting and handle it in the same way. Do not allow this person to gaslight you but do approach them calmly and firmly. The minute you get dramatic or emotional they will eat you alive. Flattery or a help-me-help-you approach will often work but you have to set the boundary.
Machavelliannes: The master manipulator who uses "other people's emotions to control them". These folks are emotionally intelligent and draw people in with their charisma and gain trust just before they attack. Someone you once thought was your friend has taken your ideas and run with them and probably spread rumors and cheated their way to the next level.
Identifiers: Flatterers, actors and masters of ego, look for the two headed (or faced dragon). Do they say one thing and do another? Do they try to get you to say bad things about people? Is everyone terrible and untrustworthy? This is usually an indicator that they are.
Defense: Refuse to speak poorly of people. Agree with their initial statements and make it hard for them to attack you.
Navigating corporate life is hard enough without these bullies in place. We all know they exist but when we can identify and deflect, we can protect our own wellbeing and help pave the way for a future where inclusivity and respect are not just ideals but the foundation of our professional environments. This is not just about individual survival; it's about collective transformation. Each encounter with a Highlander, a Queen of Hearts, or a Machiavellianne offers us a chance to stand firm in our values, to support one another, and to build the kind of workplace where everyone can thrive without fear of being undermined.